Archive | Ishmael's Utopia

Shitpost I wrote about 2 years ago. Also available on my YouTube.

Chapter 1 - 'Utopian Atmospheres; Our Homeland, Everywhere'

    Ishmael had just gotten off at work, 13 hours washing bitcoins for wealthy elites for 13 hours. This was a hard job,  but it wasn't all that bad. Other than unemployment, Ishmael had been given an extra .002 LTC, which in the year 2036 was more than just a little tip for the pizza boy. The year was 2036, it's that time of the election year. Known officially as 'Social Debit Drainage', the top 3 candidates for chairman split the populaces social debit scores between themselves and their goons. This year, the Clinton party had been the clear frontrunner from the start, so it was no shock to ishmael when he won his bet that Hilarry Clinton would beat George H. W. Bush in the general randomly generated election. He wasn't shocked, but he was excited. He just turned his .002 LTC into 0.02! Almost enough to fill up his social debit card for the year. "Maybe Ms. Clinton will spend it on NFTs! Oh boy, what a time to be alive!" Ishmael thought to himself. After fees, he was break even on his bet. With fees up to 200% your bet size, depending on network congestion the gas fees can get pretty loco, a little wacky. He deposited the funds into his social debit crypto.com card, and went to sleep, after a productive day. "I hope they let us go back home tomorrow, these monthy compulsary airbnb international housing initiatives sure do get on my nerves after the first few weeks of being in government housing", said Ishmael, as he curled up into a ball in his mandatory government sponsored airbnb. He was just a few hours walk from work, cancelled due to pollution! Ishmael smiled to himself as he took off his track pants and his hoodie that read 'Proud Clintonian', below was a red pair of pajamas. They were a red pair of pajamas, Ishmael bought the L-NFT for this 2 blood moons ago, back when it was just below 3 weeks fresh water. Now the thing sells for over a month of tap. Hell, he could buy the flouride himself with such a rare item. Stored on his Toshiba gaming rig, he'd never let ANY of his Litecoin based NFTs fall into the wrong hands, and he swore to die before letting them fall into the hands of an unsavory white man. Despite being labeled as endangered in 2032, the Reagan dynasty swore to maintain at least 1 white per 10 asians. Of course Asians were paid more and didn't have the same creative ambition as the nearly extinct 'white', Using The Standard American Metric System they were objectively less space-efficient and had to be removed forcefully from NYC and nearly all of Rhode Island, which had been expanding it's landmass deeper and deeper into the atlantic ocean using it's surplus of trash. Napkins, abandoned transportation mechanisms like bikes (Extremely outdated since 2022), and just about everything that wasn't a sick new box mod or valuable scrap metal filled monster energy would be rounded up and pushed into the ocean and used as a landbridge to the US Navy's aquarium and children's theme park, the 'Cracker Barrell Presents; Wild Waves!' it was called. Ishmael was getting lost in his racing, anti-white thoughts, there was just too much useless information in his brain to ignore, and he wanted to get around to that. He connected to a neuralink station's last jack and gave it 2 good pumps. Instantly, it was mental purification. His mind was instantly purified, all he could think about was weed and the next VR Basketball tournament! He took a hit of his dab pen and rocked back in forth in his striped red pajamas, dreaming of nowhere and headed for nothing. "Life's a gas. It sucks, then you die... Cold and alone" he scoffed at the Litecoin ATM telling him he didn't have the balance for his daiy HRT spa treatment. He thought about when his soul had to be surgically removed when he had accidentally changed his gender to 'Mal' instead of male after entering his google auth code wrong more than 2 times in a week. No second chances there, even for a rich Taiwanese teenager like Ishmael. "That's just what this nation's Obamacare brand dentistry chains have to do to make enough LTC to put food on the tables of rich african businessmen.. hell, at least it's not capitalism or anything else that was on the weeks 'H8 list." The magazine had just introduced a hip new section on fighting back against the system (which most people did regularly nowadays) called, 'H8ing h8, Presented by Chaturbate LLC'. After thinking too hard about the various economic models that surrounded him, he had come to the horrifying conclusion that the Clinton party had soft-locked all tier-3 'Gene bank' or higher babies ability to understand what suffering meant, in order to keep them from destroying their ability to produce pure, natural and/or farm raised Taiwanese children. Because of the soft-lock, he decided to live for the moment and go smoke a few American Ounces of synthetic 'Shit-pile Kush', the hottest on the market that wasn't being sold by one of those new age 'Drug dealers' or 'CIA agents', which would peddle speed outside of most Private Schools or publicly funded 'Reagan Colleges' that had replaced all forms of higher learning with courses on political banter and very basic economic ideas taken from Hayek and perverted for a new, modern crowd.

Chapter 2 - 'Teen Romance and Bloody Coat-Hangers; Dirty Money and Fast Scooters'

Ishmael was walking home with his straight boyfriend after their third breakup, they just got back together after finding out he was pregnant. "Ishmael?" Tochi called out to Ishmael. "What's wrong, Tochi?" he said to his boyfriend (named Tochi after the famous international racing legend To-Chee) sadly Tochi was front-run by a name-resale bot, as his parents hadn't been responsible enough to host their own Ethereum 3.0 node on AWS or Obamacompute, the state's publicly funded VPN service, but it would work just as well as AWS, both owned by Amazon-Macintosh Incorporated, the most powerful tech firm within the first 2 layers of cyberspace. "I think I'm straight" Tochi whispered in Ishmael's ear a little too loudly, it was a bit painful. "Ow, that was a bit painful!" Said Ishmael. Tochi had whispered a bit too loud and it was a bit painful for Ishmael's sensitive mainland Sino-Israeli ears. "Who cares if I'm not gay, that doesn't mean I can't be with another guy." Tochi screached in his native Guk-Guk, a street-smart version of Sino-Hindi. after Ishmael's Apple Watch had translated the spit-language, he looked at the melted plastic casing of the $20,000 watch, $200 back in 2021. He just needed a moment for the idea of a straight man having anal sex with him, and if he could even have sex with a straight guy without feeling afraid of coming out to the whole school. It was 16th grade, he couldn't risk that! Ishmael got off his knees to google the issue on his other arm, where he had a brand new 'Apple Watch; by Google', the real deal. The results all said the taxes on having a straight boyfriend were even higher than marrying a government brand Hatsune Miku plushie with coin purse, the usual for most lonely guys that just needed a way to pay their taxes, as they wouldn't apply otherwise. When he heard this info, he was split in two. He couldn't be more excited to pay 120% taxes, and his twitter followers added another 15% after his 24th birthday circumcision. After thinking it over, he realized it wouldn't be very Muslim of him to love a straight man his age. He had a lot on his plate, anyway. Almost 15 minutes of dedicated thinking a day made Ishmael really realize he just wasn't built to date a straight man or handle the social implications of two straight men having children together in such bigoted times. Ishmael understood that they'd just met the night before on Tinder Gold, but he was sick of how little sex they had, so he didn't hesitate to add him to his Google Glass block list, which removed him from the so called 'real world'. He knew it's what Tochi would've wanted, as he suffered from aspergers-dyslexicitis, an illness that made it up to 300 times easier to just not be cared about, some people would last as little as up to 2 weeks after the official diagnosis due to the violent courses of HRT and SSRIs carried out to fix this crippling mental health illness. Due to the way the medications affected the body, sadly there were no known symptoms other than those caused by medication. A shame, everyone thought, but that's just how mental health works. It's on a spectrum and when Chainlink VRF gives you an offical diagnosis, you just need to trust what the neural network doctors tell you over Facebook Messenger. "Some conspiracy theorists end up thinking some really insane things are true, you wouldn't believe me if I told you I overheard a white mention that he wasn't going to replace his kid's Gender-chip to produce more ketamine than natural, can you believe that? I can't believe this." Tochi said to his massive audience of over 13,000 bots on clubhouse. One had asked to speak, but for some reason started reciting old burnt books from before Ravencoin (The international library-chain) had a governance vote to burn all books with an 'e' in the title, or even autor's name. It was a very progressive thing to burn books, especially digital ones since their value as NFTs could almost afford a days worth of rations, even for 'Plus-size' Hispanics. The book was '12 rules for life', some crazy nonsense about room cleaning and other long-forgotten or 'dead' traits. The Roomba 2.0 took care of tasks that basic, humanity had bigger fish to fry. The mandatory Lexapro all straight couples needed to take for life was really draining the supply of Lexapro, causing price to hit 1 LTC per gram of the stuff. CIA agents had started peddling ketamine water in the kindergarten back-alleys and drinking fountains, a controversial but overall very popular decision. Most kids nowadays were musicians/artists if they were under 14 and everyone above 16 traded forex and cryptocurrency as long as nobody tampered with anyone's iChip, a brain chip used to control your ability to experience mood swings, like the ability to feel love or value human life. Ishmael was so fed up with Tochi. It'd been almost a full hour since they broke up, but Tochi was acting as if it'd only been 15-45 minutes! He was fed up, he needed a little of his special green herb (weed) and half a line of Lithium. "Man, I miss T'um, I couldn't get enough of the school's tap back when this was flowing through the vains of this place's pipes..."  said Ishmael to his relatively small, but close following of bitcoin scam bots on clubhouse. After the Lithium had settled in and put him in a sub-vegetable place mentally, Ishmael decided he wanted to become a full-time writer/artist/musician/painter/economist and enviornmental scientist, although he did have a passion for mining obscure new cryptocurrencies that'd pop out of one of those strange white only towns that popped up after they started to fend off race-mixing officers like the rabid dogs they were. "Maybe I could take White studies, just a few years of them, nothing too serious" he told Tochi. Tochi brushed it off, saying "We're still trying to worry about ourselves, and you want to go out and study those white things?" it hurt Ishmael, but Tochi couldn't be wrong, they'd been dating for almost 2 full days now, talking about their favorite sauces that were being imported from the school over this week after a rough board decision to ban interschool trade of domestic goods and services, like prostitution and any carbonated beverage made from non-soy-based ingredients, as it lacked in flouride vitamins neeeded for tap withdrawal. It'd been almost an hour since Ishmael had a sip of that clear stuff, and he'd never dated someone for this long, let alone told them how he feels about his future, despite never thinking of it before. Ishmael's withdrawal quickly subsided after a few small sips from the Amazon Basics brand Tap Dispenser, the finest water you could drink under age 21, if you have a license, that is. He said "Maybe we really should just finish that stapler concept art and just do that, you've always had a thing for outsourcing office materials, right, love?" said Tochi, caringly. "You just aren't open-minded, you're impossible to talk to and I don't even know" said Ishmael in response, more just in need of genuine emotions after all the brain-altering chemicals than of genuinely being understood by his straight boyfriend who he knew he'd marry. Tochi said "Ishmael, I know we're been dating a long time, and I just want what's best for you. I know office equipment and dropshipping are all I know about, but we can open a gofundme page if we decide to follow through with my reproductive surgery. We'd have such cute kids, you know that, don't you Ishmael?" Ishmael was too mentally stunted from the life of toil, bitcoin washing and substance abuse that he considered 'formative' and 'creative'. He was a musician, after all. An artist with nearly enough income from his parents comissions to pay for more twitter followers. Lock himself down getting a guy pregnant before he's even CLOSE to the Tumblr 'trending' page? I think not. "You don't understand. I'm an artist, you're just.. close-minded. I listen to music like Frank Ocean all the time and you only listen to stuff like Eminem or Rhianna. I'm not into that old-school hip-hop garbage. Maybe I'd give you a listen if you had the taste for decent classics, like hopsin or Tom Macdonald. You just hold me back. I'm a phoenix and I need to spread my wings." It felt like a farewell to Tochi, and they both knew it was over Back to being single, no more fighting, no more love, no more doing odd-jobs like coat hanger baby extractions or filling in at planned parenthood for missing or deceased doctor scientists. They were over. For good. Both understood and spent the night crying, trying to remember the memories they made together and remember that they at least left on good terms. Ishmael told Tochi the next day about how right he was, how Tochi was a useless 'Bread-eating straight' for shutting down his idea of QR code tourist scooters that you can easily rent with cryptocurrency after signing a few smart contracts to prevent you suing the Ukranian insurance company that doubled as the payment processor. Tochi didn't remember the idea, despite the name 'Bird Scooters', he felt like Ishmael must've told him before since why lie in future? Sure he seemed a bit like he was pulling ideas from a hat, but Tochi didn't want another beating from Ishmael. They'd been married for over 20 minutes and he'd already sustained serious arrow wounds for being 'straight'. Banning archery in the school was a hot-button issue for Tochi, as a straight he'd experienced bow-gangs too many times today, he couldn't risk another argument with someone that he relied on to be allowed to pay taxes. Tochi apologized and swallowed his pride, forever the patriot, and they both smiled before picking out their baby's genetic sequences NFT on OpeanSea's designer 'Build a Baby' section. They settled on a baby that came with a free tax allowance and a major eating disorder, but they were living in the moment. The allowance only let them pay 50% more of their net worth towards their local Microsoft Tax Agency, which could (after 10-15 years) enable them to vote on what they ate in their home after moving in together if their social debit score was high enough. The taxes had cleansed them of frustration, as they loved their nation and all nations as citizens of the world.

Chapter 3 - 'My Dad The Cop, My Dad Emotionally and Physically Abuses Me.'

    Ishmael's 1 week anniversary came and went in what felt like a week. It'd been a whole week they'd been together, he couldn't believe he really married a straight guy, they talked it over and the two lovers came out as straight to the whole school over the school's official discord server, the official discord server of their school, teachers including. "Sadly, our tax-cap was lowered after IPFS changed my gender documentation bonuses to straight, I'm sorry" said Ishmael to his 3 dads and biological mother, a talented CS:GO competitive e-girl, she used to stream on sites where it was girl's only, back before the matriarchy, cam girls they're called, seen as the spiritual founders of our nation, the mayflower being removed from history due to the Ravencoin governance decision on removing all white nations from history and relacing america with 'Ice-cream truck' in textbooks across all of america. Ishmael's 3 fathers were all members of the local neighborhood watch, and paying taxes for them was what they lived for. They'd been dead inside for over 10 years, (most of their lives) which is too much for Ishmael to even comprehend. He was living for the moment anyway. He understood that life was a game and whoever held the chips held the key to success, whatever that's supposed to fucking mean, if anything. He was explaining to his father how DMT is all natural and the CIA doesn't even produce non-flourided baby psychadelics anymore. He knew his dads wouldn't understand, but he's a free spirit, and his parents shouldn't put him down that way, especially when he shows enough potential to be questioned by mysterious older men nearly every day after school. Fill in the part about his dads hitting him with pillows and taking his lunch money to pay taxes here, I'm kinda done with this for now. Hope you enjoyed the ride with me through my thoughts. Goodnight, internet.